Okay, so I just came upstairs from the basement where I was helping Hubby sort the mountain of boxes in our basement...putting them into rows by category, which quickly became just putting them into rows where the "categories" are now dissipated. Then had to carry up a small mountain of stuff that never should've been in the basement to begin with, stuff for Goodwill, and stuff for Christmas. Now a large portion of the mess has been added to our living space which was already so cluttered as to make me depressed.
No, I'm not writing to rant about that - I just wanted to make official a thought that occurred to me. Taking off my sweaty overshirt and gloves (needed for spider protection), I felt like I should now be able to fit into the clothes in all those "thin" bins down in the basement. Isn't that odd? One hour of exertion makes me feel as though I somehow melted off x number of pounds. Anyone else have that feeling after some minor physical exertion? Weird.
Then it came to me how similar that line of thought is to when you bump your toe really hard or have some other non-bloody injury and you remove a piece of clothing to look at it and feel actual disappointment that you're NOT bleeding. Like, I deserve the outward sign of blood to indicate how badly that hurt! Dang! Now no one will believe I wasn't just pretending while writhing in pain.
Well, I finally did it! I took the time to figure out how to change my background and the overall look of my blog. I'm still not completely happy with it as there are things I want to add and customize, but at least I think it's more readable now...and I love the purple!!!! Yup, I'm a purple girl...as is our daughter.
So what else is new? Well, the other day I was pondering on how housework can be like an examination of conscience. Am I weird that I think of this stuff? I guess that's why I love listening to Archbishop Fulton Sheen - he was sooooo good at making spiritual analogies from temporal things.
After showing you pictures of our dresser covered in clothes that I never get around to putting away, I did what I usually do when I get fed up with myself over something...I looked for WHY this is happening. Why do I not put away the clothes? Because the drawers are too full and I can't jam anything in there anymore (speaking of the kids' drawers, not ours). Solution? Clear out all the stuff that's too small or the wrong season. Pretty easy, but for some reason it takes weeks of building to get to that moment. Duh. It's all fixed now - except for the overflowing basket of kids' clothing on top of Patrick's dresser :) I'll have to get Hubby to go into the basement and check the bin I want for spiders and bring it up so I can jam it all in, label it and take it back down. Problem solved; laundry pile is gone. Whew!
How is that like an examination of conscience? Well, in the convent (and all Christians should do this - it's a good habit to get into), we were taught to stop looking for the splinter in someone else's eye and deal with the log in our own, basically. So you literally do this by examining your conscience...how have I sinned today?
The way I recall being taught was to start with looking at your feelings/emotions during the day - which is like me looking at the heap of laundry on the dresser. From your emotions, you start to assess why you felt that way. Were you upset? Why? Because your pride was hurt? There's your sin - pride. Jesus, I'm sorry for my sins of pride; please help me to avoid this sin, etc....okay, I might not word it exactly that way to Him, but you get the idea.
Deal with overflowing drawers and create more order in the home...and by examining your conscience, your soul....and if you ever read St. Faustina's Diary, you would read of how she worked on one particular sin for a duration of time, counting both victories and falls with regard to that sin. Isn't that like housework (or perhaps other work as well)? You find an area where you're having issues and start pecking away at it with baby steps. If you've ever visited the Flylady, this is just like what she does when she helps you establish a new habit, like shining your sink every night. It takes practice and patience. Don't compare yourself to others...just deal with your own spiritual and temporal issues and stop looking to see what everyone else is doing, unless it's something genuinely helpful. For me, it takes practice just to do that, but I find a lot more peace when I do.
Do I examine my conscience every day? Nope....but I should. It really is a good habit to get into. High five on that? Yeah....
Okay, so I was reading an article by one of my favorite bloggers (http://crunchycatholicmomma.blogspot.com/) and she has a post about keepin' it real...which I greatly appreciated because I suffer from the same presumptions as her friend...that other moms/bloggers "have it all together." So I'm responding to her request to share the reality of how my home looks when no one is coming over...
Now I have to preface this with a few things... First of all, our home has extreme variances in cleanliness that usually have nothing to do company coming over - it's more of my energy level and mood that affects how the house looks. You know I'm kinda feelin' down if the house is a disaster. Second, I'm ONLY showing you the messy parts of the house and the picture of the living room turned out just awful so it's not posted, but for the record, there are toys EVERYWHERE. Scattered to the four winds, I'm tellin' ya. Third, these are areas of the house that I struggle with CONSTANTLY. I swear, if there's a flat surface to be had, it will never be cleared of junk.
...and my biggest confession? I'm what my mom called "a stasher." Rather than actually put something where it belongs, I have a serious tendency to stash it in a drawer to get it out of the way so I can clean the surface. There should be a "stashers anonymous" group for people like me.
I have lots of books and sites bookmarked, etc, to try to help me with all of this, but it all boils down to self-discipline, which I lack. I know what needs to be done, but life gets overwhelming sometimes and I fall off the track. At this point, I've learned that this is how I am and rather than be constantly obsessing over my faults in this regard, I'm just going to do my best to overcome and keep priorities in order...that's all God cares about. Him First (that's hard enough, isn't it?), Husband second, children third, other stuff, and myself last...as long as those things are in line, I'm willing to let some of the other stuff slide.
Dining room table after breakfast and a small craft...and mom having some Teddy Grahams with Patrick (can't help it, I love those things!)
Been meaning to get this cleaned up for about 3 weeks now and it just keeps accumulating stuff from other parts of the house...Patrick helps a lot with that part - the toothbrush holder thing came out of the bathroom, courtesy of him ;)
My desk has extreme variances in cleanliness because the stuff just piles up so fast if I don't deal with it IMMEDIATELY!
Miriam's room is a perpetual mess and most of it is usually on her bed or under it. I rearranged her furniture a bit yesterday and need to tweak it more, but we found all kinds of stuff and Patrick helped with removing all of her clothing from her drawers. This is totally normal and adds to my resistance in putting clothes away in drawers. If we had the space I'd do the "big family" thing and just keep it all in the laundry room. I love that idea...work in progress.
The piles of laundry are now a mess from being gone through. This was once sorted on our bed and it got so late that we just moved it to my dresser. This is another constant source of irritation and humiliation for me. Oh well, maybe it'll make someone else not feel so bad about what they think is messy :)
Finishing off with my most favorite picture in our home. It depicts so well how Tracy and I feel about each other and is very "Theology of the Body." I think of this when I'm kissing my husband goodbye in the morning as he heads off to work and I stay here in the safety of "the castle" to tend the home and our children. He comes home and I hope he feels some welcome relief from "doing battle" out in the world all day :) I love my husband!!!!
Msgr. William Smith once said, the fact that you're born guarantees you're going to die (talking about the so-called "right to die" - you don't need a RIGHT to do it)...and my husband likes to say, "none of us gets out of here alive." Really, we shouldn't fear thinking about death; it's something we will all face someday...for those we love and for ourselves. These are thoughts that give me comfort and courage....
How to begin...I suppose in the chronological order of how these thoughts have developed over the years. It started when I was in the convent of the Sisters of Our Lady of Mercy (in Dorchester, MA). It is the same order which St. Faustina Kowalska belonged to - and her Diary is the source of inspiration for much of my love of Christ. As Catholics, we tend to find saints that we can mentally connect with and who we feel give an example of loving Christ that we might imitate. Some love St. Therese, the Little Flower, for her childlike love of God - always seeing herself in relationship with Him as a child. St. Faustina had a more of a spousal love of Him - not physically, of COURSE, but if you recognize that He is the bridegroom of our souls...well, then it will make sense to you (that's a side-issue I'm not trying to write about in this article).
Okay, so I've always connected with St. Faustina in that way; I get where she's coming from...and I'm such a romantic at heart that I love the title of Jesus as a lover of souls. The idea of being a damsel in distress and being rescued from danger by a Prince - or in this case, rescued from my sins and evil by the King of Kings. Well, I just love that... The sisters mirror the spousal relationship of Christ and His Church - so awesome, and that's where I learned about marriage, really...was from my time in the convent and contemplating how Jesus takes care of the sisters and they trust and obey Him - meditating on Scripture, and giving Him their all. So, my relationship with my husband also mirrors the relationship of Christ and His Church - I never really realized it fully until I was in the convent. And now, I'm off topic again. Well, you can see a little of how I think and how I'm a romantic...and so enters contemplation of death.
Death is something our culture tries so hard to run from, and yet, it is part of life - like it or not. It's also no big deal to God. "Pride and Prejudice" (the A&E version ONLY) is my favorite movie. In the first minute of the clip here, you'll see Mr. Darcy walking down a dark hallway acting somewhat distraught...and reminiscing of Miss Elizabeth Bennett being in his house! When you watch the whole movie, you get a sense of the romance involved - the passionate longing (and NO SMUT mind you). He longs to have her in his house. When I was in the convent, peeling potatoes, I remember pondering this scene and thinking of how Jesus must long for us to be fully with Him in Heaven. The looks of love on Darcy's face must reflect in some small way, the love Christ has for us - and isn't that just awesome to think of? Jesus LONGING for us to be with Him...sigh. It makes me fear death a little less...and grieve a little less.
A few years later, after leaving the convent, I was watching a movie with Tracy (we were dating) and the phone rang. It was my brother - our mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital. Things went downhill from there - varying diagnoses, all ending in cancer in different parts of her body...one after another they found cancer, removed it, found more, chemo, radiation...it was awful and you know, I don't think I ever thought she'd actually die! That Christmas before she died (when Tracy proposed to me on Christmas Eve), Tracy bought me a new cd and introduced me to Bluegrass Gospel "The Angels are Singing" . That cd helped me to prepare for her death - those old-timey songs of how we SHOULD look at death. In the "old days" when people lived a more agrarian life, they saw things die all the time (including killing supper), and so I don't think they looked at it with such fear and dread. Of COURSE we miss someone when they die, but they're not really gone and that music really helped me to internalize the reality of Heaven and this NOT being our home. I knew it intellectually, but I needed it solidified in my heart - the music helped brace me for it all... "I was standin' by the bedside of a neighbor, who was just about to cross the swellin' tide...and I asked him if he would do me a favor, kindly take this message to the other side" all sung to happy music! Ponder that for a while...
Lastly - and I'm not sure if this is all making sense to anyone but me - I've read Scripture and been kinda blown away by what seems to be God being heartless. Case in Point, all of Pharoh's men being wiped out when the sea crashed in on them. Uh...yeah, they were stupid to follow those orders, but they were trained to follow orders - so they get crushed by all that water in a horrible death?...kinda harsh, right? Oh, and there are LOTS more (like Aaron being told not to even cry when his sons get whacked). Is God really heartless? NO!!!!! He just knows what happens after we die. He created it all! He made the system!!! He's not afraid of it - WE are. If He's longing for us to be with Him for all eternity, then it really shouldn't be all that scary. Just something to think about before that day happens... I mean, can you imagine a couple getting married (not one that's been shackin' up for years beforehand, but in the more sweet and exciting way of waiting for marriage) and then not being allowed to consummate the marriage and live together - and truly be happy ever after?!? Our heavenly Bridegroom longs for us to share His home for all eternity.
Hello, my loyal readers ;) (big cheesy grin there) I really don't want to forget my idea and am posting it here to make it official so that as soon as I have time, I can really write it all out...it's forming in my mind. It's going to be about death, the love of Jesus, and the Divine Romance - or something of that nature. It's inspired by a scene in the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice that I've always loved to ponder in Christian reality...and I'm hoping I can find a clip of it on youtube to insert so you can get a visual of what I'm "talking" about. Okay, there - it's official and I don't think I'll feel stupid about this new blog topic like I did in hindsight about the last one (though some kind words from a friend made me feel better about it - much better...she knew where I was comin' from and encouraged me in keepin' on). Good night and God Bless!
...that I'm tired of making decisions all the time. I definetely am one of those people who suffers from "decision fatigue." I mean, I've bought the toothpaste I actually intended to buy maybe twice in the last year...and the rest of the year we've suffered with some nasty toothpaste that I picked on accident because the stupid company changed the packaging on me and I had to try to figure out which one it was that we liked. Isn't that ridiculous?!? ...and it's not JUST toothpaste, it's everything. How to prioritize my day, what to do for "fun" with the kids, is something a want or a need, which one is a better value, etc, etc...really, it's exhausting.
In many ways I'm jealous of the Amish and a big part of me wants to just run back to the convent (yes, I spent about 9 months in a wonderful convent in Boston - St. Faustina Kowalska's order - awesome sisters). I remember hanging up my black postulant dress for the last time and knowing that I would really miss NOT having to decide what to wear in the morning (I hate that decision). In the convent, it was simple - hair up in a bun, black dress, black shoes and off to morning prayer. No major decisions - just automatic and go focus on the Lord first thing in the morning. Pray first before anything else. Isn't that awesome?
Okay, so I'm getting off topic (grossly off topic). Well, I realized while cooking dinner that another good reason - probably the best one for me - to start making everything myself and be more "organic" - or is that "crunchy"? (I'm lost on the terminology, but I think you'll know what I mean) is so that I could be FREE FROM MAKING MORE DECISIONS! If I'm cooking something from scratch, I don't HAVE to spend ridiculous amounts of time standing in the grocery aisle examining every purchase for ingredients and cost. For bread, I can buy flour, yeast, salt, oil and just pick a recipe or get one from a good friend. I realized that if you stop doing the "main stream" thing and follow in the footsteps of other ladies doing this sort of thing, you could potentially save yourself a lot of trouble... I don't mind doing the work for it if I can have part of my BRAIN back from all these decisions! Convent words of wisdom from Sr. Veronica...technology enslaves you. All these things that are supposed to make life easier just backfire and make it all harder; aren't we all becoming slaves to it? Think of all the bills you wouldn't have if you were - Amish, for instance? Really... I'm still working up the guts to cut out the Dish Network; more and more I'm convinced that it would benefit our family more than just the $65/month.
Now...can I develop the self-control to walk AWAY from the computer and only check it at certain times? That may require moving the computer out of my line of constant sight...something to pray about. The best use of my time would probably be on finishing and implementing "A Mother's Rule of Life" by Holly Pierlot...keep telling myself I should do that. Everything good starts with prayer - and I need to do more of THAT. Okay, now that I acknowledged breaking the first commandment yet again....tomorrow is a new day. Lord, help me to begin it with You first in my mind and heart and protect me from all other temptations until I can get a good handle on the habit of conversing with You first. Amen. :)
Hello all you potential blog-readers 'o mine! (read - she's caffeinated and feeling proud of herself for figuring this out) ;) Okay, so I just tried to upload my bio info and got an error, so I'm skipping to the meat and potatoes portion of my very first post.
Whew! Okay, now, just calm down and organize your thoughts (talking to myself). This is why a blog is good for the stay-at-home mom; it forces you to sit down and just collect your thoughts into one cohesive unit for a while. For more than three years now, I've been a stay-at-home mom and I LOVE it! Please don't ever get me wrong on that...but I've gotten to the point where my mind is a jumbled mess of "deep thoughts" that needs to be untangled regularly. Since becoming an independent consultant for Lilla Rose a few months ago, I've spent a LOT of time reading blogs and searching out good blogs to try to work with...and my appreciation for bloggers has grown to the point where I like the idea of doing one myself. I've gotten so much out of reading what other like-minded women have to say and what's going on in their lives, that it seems time for me to give this a try. Admittedly, this is probably the most boring blathering you've ever read - I promise, it will get better. I'm just on a high right now of figuring this out. Did you know that it's REALLY hard to come up with a name for your blog???? I had no clue that EVERY idea I had would've been taken already. Apparently I'm not very original huh...
So where did "To Follow His Lead" come from? Well, I was driving the kids over to a local park that we've never been to...and pondering how I'm still getting used to living in this area (moved here in June). As much as I love our home, it just doesn't quite feel like "home" and I've been struggling to figure out WHY...mostly I think it's because we're in a very different area - away from everything I grew up with and all of our family's friends. So, again pondering on this and thinking of how my husband has moved around all of his life and the only place on earth that really ever felt like "home" to him was Oklahoma - and he hasn't lived there in many, many years. I had asked him about this the other day and he said that, yes, he just basically "puts up" with every other place he's lived, but no place will ever feel like home as Oklahoma does...which makes me sad for him AND myself (and then I wonder if we should just up and move to South Dakota or something). That's when I thought, "I just followed his lead" in moving here (went against my grain to leave our old home-base area) - meaning my husband's lead. I'm one of those old-fashioned, devout Christians who DOES believe in obeying your husband (which is why you MUST be careful of who you marry - can you obey him and trust him to respect you and your feelings and input; if not, don't marry him). I love my husband (sigh)...he's a good and just man.
More than following his lead, though, it's critical to follow His Lead - meaning, the Lord. And that's where the title of this blog came in. So first and foremost, we should follow His Lead...and as wives, we should follow our husband's lead because God has set up a hierarchy in the family with the husband as "head" of the family. Sidenote: I can't STAND it when people basically shun "wives obey your husbands" because they refuse to read on to where the husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church (and he DIED for the church). This is all very "theology of the body" - and if you're Catholic and know what that is, you'll agree...and if you're a devout Protestant (like my Hubby), you probably still have an idea of what I'm talking about. I'm not trying to get into theological debate here - just stating my own position so ya know where I'm comin' from...you can read more if you like and if you don't like, then please just find a blog you DO agree with. I don't argue religion because no one is going to change anyone else's mind...and conversion is the work of the Holy Spirit - not of man. I'm not here to convert anyone; I agree to disagree, peaceably (as I do with my husband - it has to do with mutual respect). So I hope you'll join me for this new venture!
A devout Catholic Christian, stay at home wife and mother of two beautiful children...struggling to keep life in the proper perspective and my priorities in order (God, Husband, Children, Other Stuff, and lastly - me).
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